The outward smile

It’s amazing really how the outward smile can lull people around you. How hiding the inner turmoil can become almost second nature.

Is it ok to put on a smile dress it up like the world is a wonderful place? who knows?

Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe that’s the face people want to see. I mean lets face it it’s much easier to deal with isn’t it.

So on it goes as you leave the house or pick up the phone or walk through the streets. That smile that shows the world you’re alright. The cheerie ‘hello’. the hinds the sadness within your eyes. just don’t look to close because that world might not be such a cheerie place. The curl of the lips might slip and turn downwards like the mood within.

An evening in the pub with a group of friends the banter and chat all enjoyable enough.

I was determined not to stay home this evening. Just the thought was enough to send shivers cursing through my body. I don’t know if anyone else remembers I don’t suppose it matters really. Because I do, how can I not? The countdown never really stopped. About a month or so a go I started to panic thinking I wouldn’t cope. Part of me didn’t want to. Part of me just wanted to curl up in a ball on my sofa close my world to everyone. But then completely out of the blue came hope. Hope I had thought would never appear but it did. Hope for another chance. Of course it doesn’t replace what I though I’d have right now. Replace the baby I was supposed to be cradling as I eagerly prepare for the first christmas together. Nothing can replace that loss. Just like all the others, each holding a special place in my heart always and forever. I can’t believe Katie would have been 10 years old this year. Where has that time gone. If I’m honest a vast majority has gone on chasing the dream chasing the unconditional love that only a mother can know. So sitting here after a pleasant evening in the local, which I so determinedly arranged, I wonder how different life would be if only I hadn’t endured the painful loss again. I hope there is one person who knows. I hope he too wonders how different life would be if only… But really I doubt he does.

I have recently read a book about a group of women, all at different stages in life meet together to form a writers group Thursday at Eight… Each member of the group chose a word which they wanted to bring about some change in their life. It was interesting how each women choose a word which they believed at the time was an apt word for where they were and where they wanted to go. At the end of the year the group reviewed their word and reflected how they has seen things at that time and how life had brought new meaning to their chosen word. If I was to choose a word to reflect my life now and my hopes and dreams for the coming year wold be HOPE!!

Because that’s how I’m ending this year and entering the next.

Yes some might say it’s a little soon to be talking about the next year but I think it’s never to soon to look forward.

I start my hope with a wish to share my christmas with as many people as I can. My house won’t be the way I had imagined so now I need to recreate an image to bring hope and happiness while trying to dismantle the hapless hurt of the year gone by. If I can end this year with hope while bringing a little happiness into the world of others maybe just maybe  the hope in my heart will come to fruition as we creep carefully into the coming year.

So, so far I have a happy little group heading my way on christmas day to eat drink and be merry together sharing a common gaol to avoid the loneliness which can all to often drape itself around us as we trudge through this joyful season  of festivities.


About angejay18

I am 40 yrs old and i think could be going through a mid life crisis... but i'm not sure. I enjoy writing and am in the process of publishing my 2nd book
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