And so…


And so what did I get up to today???

An early start with my scheduled visit to the school Friday morning assembly. Mind you that said the past few weeks has seen my absence from school assemblies so despite my tiredness I drag myself out of bed into the shower and out the door before 8am.

Then I took a drive over the hills into the country side to visit my friend and her two adorable boys.  Only as I get on the motorway I receive an S.O.S from my sister. So as is often the case I’m waylaid in arriving at my destination. But all is well both on the S.O.S front and my late arrival at my friends. A lovely chat, in between playing catch and babbling with toddlers while eating bacon butties and drinking hot tea all lead to just what I needed.  It’s weeks since I seen my friend. It’s so difficult when your lives take different paths. Our relationship is just on a different level now. Thats life, it’s what happens.

Then its off to have my nails redone. Redone because for some reason my £25 cheer myself up manicure didn’t quite live up to its £25 price tag only managing to last 24 hours before the varnish started to chip away… Almost a pound for each hour… Enough to actually make me complain. Not something I do lightly I have to say. So it was off for  a revarnish. Mind you I wasn’t sure it was going to be free of charge. Although I can tell you I had no intention of paying anything else. In fact if they so much as suggest further payment I will not be happy. Oh well again alls well ends well. No further payment was requested leaving me with gorgeous shiny new nails and a lovely happy smile! I was so happy I made an appointment for a beck, neck and shoulder massage next week. Mind you I probably could have done with it today I’m so tense it hurts… Not nice… Not nice at all. Oh well something to look forward too.

From nail salon to meet a very special little boy in my life. He usually meets up with his friends in the village on a Friday but says he’d rather see me today, which is so adorable. He truly means the world to me. Since starting at ‘big school’, (oh I do get told off when I say that), he’s become so grown up. When he was in primary school just a few months ago I picked him up every day. I was always there and he liked it. Its routine he likes, actually he loves routine he hates change. I remember when I was teaching fulltime one evening a week I  had to stay late for staff meetings, he went to his godmothers house after school until about 5pm. It was strange because he loved going, she had sweets and fizzy pop, non of which we had at home. Despite this he complained and complained about it not being the same, how he likes coming home from school, how he doesn’t like me being in school late. Oh how times change! Now he gets the school bus home, when not staying late, calls at friends after phoning to TELL ME what he’s up to. He’s so cute. Growing up fast but oh so cute. So when they want to spend time with you, you grab it when you can. I just love listening to his stories. He is so full of his new school. It’s the perfect school for him. He is completely and utterly enthralled with the whole experience. I knew it was perfect for him. He was so ready for the new experiences, the new challenges. The independence. Unlike me who so was not ready for it. Not ready to let go. I don’t mind telling you I really struggled with the transition, the letting go. It’s strange because ‘little’ growing up is a good thing, I mean it was always going to happen. And in some ways I was kind of looking forward to it but then when it came, I just wasn’t ready.  But then he went to bed and got up all grown up!!! No point trying to fight it so I’m working hard at going with it. So today we had hot chocolate and shortbread just like we used to on a Friday after school. While listening to anecdotal stories about his new teachers, who you’d think he’d known all his life. He’s so funny. And cute!! I love the bones of that boy. And not just because of how close in age he is to Katie. Katie was my little girl. She would be 10 years old now. Almost 11. Little man just makes it into this academic year, Katie would have been the year below. Its funny really how I often wonder if I was brought into little mans life to kind of help me get through Katie being taken away so soon. Katie didn’t have any life. I would have given her the best life. So when I came into little mans life when he was just 3 years old it just felt right. We just gelled together.

I can’t believe a year has past, I can’t believe my last baby would have been about to make it’s entrance into the world. My brothers step daughter just had her baby, a little girl. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair. She does, well didn’t want another baby. Well she probably does now that she’s here. But she didn’t, she didn’t want another baby. I don’t get why her baby gets the chance to live and my baby didn’t? I wanted my baby, the dad was even getting his head round the idea. It would have been fine, the relationship wouldn’t have been of the traditional kind  but it would have been fine. And the baby would have been loved, so loved and wanted. The parents aka myself and himself, would have done a good job. Of that I have no doubt. 

So now I pin my hopes on what might be my last chance. No guarentees I know but  my last chance could be just around the corner. The whole sperm donation thing I’m praying will get the go a head.

And the relationship, afraid now there’s no baby there’s no last chance with that… Well  at least from one of the interested parties!

And so life goes on sometimes you wonder how or why but it does you just get through it…

Lets hope the way you spend your birthday or feel on your birthday doesn’t pave the way forward for the year a head.   If it does I could be buggered!

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About angejay18

I am 40 yrs old and i think could be going through a mid life crisis... but i'm not sure. I enjoy writing and am in the process of publishing my 2nd book
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