How can one peson do such a great line in self inflicted crap? Well it would appear that this one person does this crap thing soooooo well. And almost with relative ease.
Do I really want to chart my day today? Actually no, it was neither great nor awful but possibly somewhere in-between. But has manage to end with me making a total prat of myself!!! Fan bloody tastic… When oh when will I learn. Probably never. I think in some sort of way maybe I get it, in some sort of perverse way in that I done bad things, so now I my must pay. I knew these things where bad but how can a child stop what is bad, well the answer is they can’t so now I pay the price.
Tomorrow is a big day tomorrow I’m suppose to have made decisions, decisions I am nowhere near ready for making, so you know what I’m not going to. Make the neccessary decision that is. I can’t make the decision that will ultimately change my life for ever, and no thats not an over reaction in anyway.
Tomorrow can wait, or maybe it can’t . Well wether it can wait or not I don’t have the anwsers, will I ever have the answers? To this I doubt it. I just wish I didn’t have to make the choice. If someone just came along and said this is what is going to happen I think I would prefer that. Choice has never been my strong point. What to have for dinner? It’s like torture. What to wear? Even worse. What to drink? it’s just all to much. But this is well a bit bigger than dinner, or what to wear or what to drink. Although, I’m doing a good line in what to drink these days, anything with alcohol.
When I left the house this evening I think I knew I would have a drink or two, or three or four… Because I know this is the way to get through the next few days. Although given the way I made a prize prat of myself this evening I may need to rethink this strategy. Reviewing my current strategy might be a good idea. Least I’m not on Bacardi for breakfast… Yet! I am guessing thats a good thing. Mind you tomorrow could change that!!!
Typing through the tears I wonder where my 3am friend is?
Everyone should have a 3am friend shouldn’t they?
It would appear not.
And let me tell you either I’m just not drinking enough or the alcohol doesn’t actally numb the pain just makes you look stupid if not look stupid certainly feel stupid.
This afternoon I spent some time with a good friend, the mother of my ex boyfriend and my mother. There are times when spending time with these two elderly ladies whom both mean so much to me but somehow neither rarely, if ever know how I actually feel. A perfect example of this is as we wonder around the store, numerous baby items, babies first Christmas, baby clothes, cards, pushchairs cuddly toys, you name it it’s pointed out by possibly the two people in the world who should know better, who should know me better. And today was no exception, as we wonder around the Christmas section af a lovely store, my mind wondering to the funeral earlier in the week of a mothers son and the funeral of many years ago of a mothers daughter. Interesting how one is talked of despite the raw fresh gaping hole it had left while the other may well have never happened. Never mentioned never talked of as if it had never happened. And still the ‘aaww look at this’ continues. Usually I just switch off go with it ‘aaww yeah its lovely’ would be my usual response well today I just couldn’t as I stood starring at the pale blues and pinks of babies first just about everything. Taking every bit of will power my body possessed, digging deep into the pit of my soul. Fighting the tears welling on the brim of my eye lids. Unsure if the tears on the tip of my lids are for the recent loss of a mothers son or the tiny bundle I never got to hold. Blinking hard, turning away looking for a place to hide, of which there wasn’t one, a single tear escapes before I could catch it. few deep breaths in as many minuites my composure had almost returned but somehow the rest of the day felt like a strain. Like a cloud had settled itself just above me and I just couldn’t escape it no matter how hard I tried.
The late afternoon, early evening I spent with my niece and nephew. A promise made earlier in the day which had to be for filled. In all honestly I was hoping it would lift my mood, feel better, it often does, spending quality time with the little ones. They had a lovely time playing in the vast expanse of an indoor play area, climbing and sliding chasing and catching each other in what was almost an exclusive play area. My eyes barely leaving them for a moment, I can’t help but smile as I watch an awkward little boy as another child tries to befriend him and his sister who dominates his every move tries to maintain her position of playmate et al. The two of them looking out for each other, protecting each other playing with each other him wanting but not sure how to include other children in their play while she directing him as she wishes him following her direction almost, not quite but almost unquestionable as his confidence grows and he runs in the opposite direction asserting his indepenence laughing as he runs. I can’t help but smile at such fun to watch two siblings playing together while tentatively asserting their independence from each other. Playtime over hungry children fed, on possibly the worst meal they could have as a meal but what the hect they were happy.
So then back to the evening and as I say as I left the house I think I knew that somehow alcohol may feature in the hours which were to follow. What I wasn’t planning on was to make a total fool of myself. I suppose in my desperation to avoid coming home, along drive in my car ws out most definitley out, something to do with the 4 or 5 Bacardi’s I had manage to drink in a few short hours. I well, actually, I don’t suppose it matters lets just say it could have look like I really don’t know where the line of friendship lies!!!!
The long walk home, alone didn’t do much to make me feel any better about myself.
So now I write because it’s the next best thing to driving. As I write the questions of what to do what to say as the next 8 hours linger in the forfront of my mind… Hospitals just give me the jitters. This hospital sends shivers down my spine.
I still haven’t figured who my 3am friend is so looks like I’m riding this ship alone.