The outward smile

It’s amazing really how the outward smile can lull people around you. How hiding the inner turmoil can become almost second nature.

Is it ok to put on a smile dress it up like the world is a wonderful place? who knows?

Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe that’s the face people want to see. I mean lets face it it’s much easier to deal with isn’t it.

So on it goes as you leave the house or pick up the phone or walk through the streets. That smile that shows the world you’re alright. The cheerie ‘hello’. the hinds the sadness within your eyes. just don’t look to close because that world might not be such a cheerie place. The curl of the lips might slip and turn downwards like the mood within.

An evening in the pub with a group of friends the banter and chat all enjoyable enough.

I was determined not to stay home this evening. Just the thought was enough to send shivers cursing through my body. I don’t know if anyone else remembers I don’t suppose it matters really. Because I do, how can I not? The countdown never really stopped. About a month or so a go I started to panic thinking I wouldn’t cope. Part of me didn’t want to. Part of me just wanted to curl up in a ball on my sofa close my world to everyone. But then completely out of the blue came hope. Hope I had thought would never appear but it did. Hope for another chance. Of course it doesn’t replace what I though I’d have right now. Replace the baby I was supposed to be cradling as I eagerly prepare for the first christmas together. Nothing can replace that loss. Just like all the others, each holding a special place in my heart always and forever. I can’t believe Katie would have been 10 years old this year. Where has that time gone. If I’m honest a vast majority has gone on chasing the dream chasing the unconditional love that only a mother can know. So sitting here after a pleasant evening in the local, which I so determinedly arranged, I wonder how different life would be if only I hadn’t endured the painful loss again. I hope there is one person who knows. I hope he too wonders how different life would be if only… But really I doubt he does.

I have recently read a book about a group of women, all at different stages in life meet together to form a writers group Thursday at Eight… Each member of the group chose a word which they wanted to bring about some change in their life. It was interesting how each women choose a word which they believed at the time was an apt word for where they were and where they wanted to go. At the end of the year the group reviewed their word and reflected how they has seen things at that time and how life had brought new meaning to their chosen word. If I was to choose a word to reflect my life now and my hopes and dreams for the coming year wold be HOPE!!

Because that’s how I’m ending this year and entering the next.

Yes some might say it’s a little soon to be talking about the next year but I think it’s never to soon to look forward.

I start my hope with a wish to share my christmas with as many people as I can. My house won’t be the way I had imagined so now I need to recreate an image to bring hope and happiness while trying to dismantle the hapless hurt of the year gone by. If I can end this year with hope while bringing a little happiness into the world of others maybe just maybe  the hope in my heart will come to fruition as we creep carefully into the coming year.

So, so far I have a happy little group heading my way on christmas day to eat drink and be merry together sharing a common gaol to avoid the loneliness which can all to often drape itself around us as we trudge through this joyful season  of festivities.

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busy busy

After a slightly later start to the day than I think I had planned, although I hadn’t really planned my day I just knew everything in it was pretty much a movable feast. In that before the day began I didn’t really know what was happening, well I knew I had plans, loose plans, I knew I was meeting a friend for a coffee around lunch time, although he hadn’t confirmed, I knew another friend wanted to meet for a catch up in the morning and I knew I was meeting another friend in the afternoon. I also knew I had to get to the school uniform shop to replace lost/stolen swim kit and post a parcel. So yeah a pretty full day. However when I woke in the morning I had no idea who was still on for the loose plans and who might duck out. As it happened all loose plans were on! Making for a busy but fun day. And lets just say what I can do and what I think I can do in an allotted time scale really are two different things. For example I woke up at 8.40 (very lazy, I know) got out of bed at 9.30 ( I really was quite tired). Somehow I thought in my deluded little mind that I would shower and wash my hair get ready and get to the school uniform shop by 11 am. The school uniform shop is like 3 plus miles away, we have like a reasonable amount of snow on our roads and its like 9.40 now, it kind of took me a few minutes to get myself together after actually getting out of bed! Lets face it that is not going to happen. Needless to say I spent the best part of my morning (until, like 1.30) apologising for being late. However by then I was running to time, it just meant the person I actually would have like to spend the most time with I didn’t actually spend as much time with… Typical. That doesn’t however mean I didn’t want to spend time with the other people I had plans with today, just sometimes some people are a little bit more special. Mind you like I say I manage oto honour all my arrangements which is always a good thing.

However this doesn’t really give a great deal of information here and now I’m really really tired… I don’t know what it is at the moment maybe its the cold but boy I seem to need a lot of sleep these days. So I’m thinking I might just come back to the detail tomorrow because if I don’t go to bed I will fall asleep where I sit and that’s probably not so good.

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What now?

The snow has very much arrived here. Scrapping the fluffy white stuff from my car in the early morning flurry was really no fun it has to be said but knowing it was on the cards did find me prepared. Which is definitely a bonus. Wrapped up against the elements wearing the greatest gloves ever… Actually its my ski gloves but still the greatest ever gloves. I swipe the white stuff from the windows as I defrost the icicles clinging to ever inch of my car. Eventually enough snow has been banished to allow me to get on my way. Carefully crawling along the icy road inching closer to the playground of fun which aways me at the end of my, usually short journey to work.

Still wearing my snow boots, opting for safety over vanity. The results of, well not the best footwear still imprinted on my brian. I trudge (carefully) with the throng of snowball throwing children into the warmth of the school building. Bracing myself for what awaits me.

All in all it has to be said I had a reasonable day today. That is if you don’t count guarding the classroom door to prevent an enthusiastic group of teens spilling out into the fresh flurry of snow, when they should have been working on the task in hand. personally I can’t think why anyone would want to spend any longer in the snow than absolutely necessary but hey that’s me. Aagin the broken bone fiasco all to soon to banish. Thankfully manage to get through the day without any mishap!!

Despite my reasonable day it has to be said I do sometimes wonder if I’m a good teacher. May be to question your ability is no bad thing. But I don’t know sometimes I just wonder.

I think this weather is making me sleepy. I’m pretty tired these days ( and permanently hungry) which isn’t good given I have so much to so do.

Looking back over past few months. Then try to look forward to the next few months. Not getting the job in Kula Lumpa was a bit of a blow. I mean everything around me is kind of settling down. So why then do I still feel like thee a hole. Something missing. I just pray the sperm donation works. Although I don’t know, everything has gone a bit quiet. I know they were away but every time I try to arrange a meeting they put it off. Well that’s how I feel. Probably just panicking. If for any reason this doesn’t work out well I just don’t know how  will get through it.

So  onward I plough headlong into the festive season. The pretty snowflakes falling from the sky bringing the season alive. I do love this time of year. Somehow it’s this time of year the emptiness engulfs me. The nativity, the Carol service, the sound of children playing singing loving the seasons festivities.

The hour is late and my eyes sting from well…They just sting

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Catch up

Well the weekend is over, almost anyways. And a rather busy one it was too.

Friday the start of my busy weekend. Although at the time I didn’t know it was to be  a busy one. It’s a very rare occurence for me to make arrangements which require me to be in a certain place before 8pm on a Friday. And trust me even then I struggle. Anyways I’d arranged to go for a meal with a group of friends from the Thursday night social group. We were going to the local training restaurant for what was likely to be a fun evening, And it was. Great fun was had by all. Although I nearly ended up with no dinner. The menu being rather unspecific, basically failing to mention the inclusion of prawns with the salmon I had ordered. I’d happily have push them to one side but someone else mentioned it to the waiter, who swiftly wiped it away while the chef kindly cooked another salmon minus the prawns! Leaving waiting until everyone else had finished before i had started. Oh well minor hick-up. The chat around the table was full of life, as ever. Touching on a rather emotive subject for me at one point. Every now and then this happens, mostly I manage to remain level-headed then sometimes, usually when I’m feeling a little vulnerable I lose that rationale. Somehow as I looked at my friend to my left saying ‘ There are just somethings which are wrong, being different or odd or unusual really don’t come into my it, there’s a line that should never be crossed’. We were talking about Micheal Jackson, someone said how great his music was I agreed but commented that I didn’t like him as a person that he had done some unacceptable despicable things and being great at something shouldn’t cloud that. The debate began. I have to say it’s something I tend to become quite passionate about this particular subject.  Maybe it was the distraction of explaining to a 13-year-old that moral rights and wrongs exist but in law somethings are unacceptable regardless of the circumstances. That alongside another member of the group trying very hard to introduce new subject matter, which was actually quite funny. He just like made the like really strange statement and everyone kind of looked at him as if to say what? All in all it was a lovely evening. Despite the stress of getting their for 7.30 alongside picking everyone up, as I wasn’t drinking a lovely evening was had by all.
Mind you I can’t believe how tired I was. I had dropped everyone off by 11 yet it felt much later. Not sure if it was the cold or the extra work I had undertaken earlier in the week but boy I was tired. This said I really needed a little time on my own after I had taken everyone home, knowing when I got home there was a high probability my lodgers would be at home I went for a little drive just to clear my head. After about an hour I drove homewards went straight to bed when I got home and literally fell asleep immediately. So unlike me.

Waking the next morning feeling like I’d bearly slept a wink and a head that was more conducive to a night out on the town  rather than an alcohol free evening out. So unfair. Hangover without the fun of the alcohol. Eventually I drag myself from my bed hop in the shower hoping this would help me feel better before heading off to collect my adorable little man from his friends sleep over the other side of town. The shower made a start on making me feel at least alive but it was left to the paracetamol and hot tea to do the rest.

I have to say I can’t believe how tired I felt the whole day (whole bloody weekend actually). Late in the afternoon I drag myself round Tesco’s toying with the idea of cancelling y arrangements for the evening. I’d arrange to met a friend in town, we haven’t seen each other since the summer. I felt bad thinking about cancelling so decided I’d go but not stay out late. It was so busy. Parking was awful but the atmosphere was great. All christmasy. really kind of cosy really. I was glad I’d gone along we had a nice meal, nothing fancy but nice and great gossip he’s one of my great friends and so loves a gossip. Lets just say life hasn’t been smooth for him recently. Mind you it’s his own doing but still he’s been through the mill. The cheeky bugger said he loves meeting up with me because whatever is going on in his life always seems so great in comparison to mine. He’s like ‘yeah when I talk to you mine life kind of rosy’ . How cheeky is that?  So all gossiped out I was on my ay home by 10.30pm. I am such a light weight.  Usually when I get home I like to check my email, watch a bit of telly have a hot drink generally wind down. Not this Saturday oh no I start to go through my little getting home routine but can bearly keep my eyes open, so literally crawl up stairs to bed fall in to bed flaking out pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow. Unbelievable. Not even one page of my book could I read, not one page.

Sunday morning late for me, I woke about 9.30am with the most awful headache, again. I hope I’m not getting that rotten cold back.

Thinking I had a pretty hectic day a head of me I head for the shower in an effort to shake myself up. My sunday was looking pretty full on. I’d arrange to meet a colleague at school about lunch time. I’d arrange to meet my ex mother in law for coffee, I’d also gotten roped into taking my niece and nephew to see santa’s reindeer. It was starting to feel like I’d arrange too much. However thankfully my colleague moved our scheduled meet later, I then moved my scheduled coffee with my ex’s mother earlier and amazingly the children had been unwell in the night so the reindeer meeting was off. (I know I shouldn’t have been but I was kind of pleased, not about them being unwell but certainly about one less thing in my schedule). Just thinking about my day made me tired. Maybe I am getting that cold again.

Actually despite this tiredness I had a good day, actually a really good day. I spent a few hours in John Lewis had a little browse, bout a few christmas pressies enjoyed a lovely cup of tea and scone. That’s another thing regular English rea is not really agreeing with me but Earl Grey I’m really liking odd. but still it was an enjoyable afternoon tea. Having spent a bit longer than planned in John Lewis I was running a little late for the school thingy. Good job my colleague didn’t mind. two and a half hours later feeling a lot happier about school stuff I head home to make dinner, calling at my parents on route to collect groceries I’d left yesterday by mistake, I’m feeling really cold and very tired. However feeling quite pleased with my day as I set about preparing dinner I get all involved in cleaning. This is generally not a good situation, once I get started that’s it and true to form the dinner happily cooking away, home-made meat and potato pie yum yum… I manage to clean the whole house. I was planning to do it tomorrow but having drag the Hoover I’d just borrowed from my parents, mines broken, it’s a pattern in this house, to hoover the kitchen I figure I may as well do the stairs which leads to bathrooms and toilet then the bedrooms, then I think oh well may as well do the sitting room while I’ve got it out. As I finish one bit of the house I pop back to the kitchen to check on the dinner. Finally all done pastry crust on the pie I collapse in  heap on the sofa. Mind you it’s great the hose it all clean and tidy. I love that.

After dinner I was really feeling pretty exhausted. However I really wanted to do a catch up on my blog so here I am totally struggling to stay awake determined to complete my weekends happenings. i know they weren’t so supper exciting and a little quiet on the disaster front. But that’s good. Doesn’t make for the most exciting read but does make me feel better having recorded the events of my weekend.

I recognise I have possibly omitted some things here. My feelings about some of the happenings. LIke ermmmm how i drove the streets of the city on Friday reliving some of my darkest moments struggling to fight the angry tears, like how it scares the hell out of me that I have someone in my life I might actually tell some of my life secrets and how the evening conversation had reopen wounds I insist on closing immediately. Then about how I might be just a little worried about how tired I feel this week and about how scared I am that my ex’s mother is becoming more frail every time I see her, which is every week. And how I miss my little niece spending the weekends with me…How she filled the gap in my world which sometimes overwhelmed me.

But right now I need to sleep so all of this and no doubt much more will feature tomorrow, I hope depends on what is thrown at me and how much sleep my body will need. Who knows but right now its off to bed… Actually might just have a piece of toast, I’m starving and shattered not a good combination. x

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where does the time go??

Thursday already… What a week. Possibly the one week in like forever I needed it to be quiet and slow and relaxing. Not a chance!

Having bemoaned the lack of work in my life of late on Monday morning as I lay lazily in bed undecided as to whether to get up or turn over and go back to sleep. Through the hazy blur of half sleep my phone rings out its shrill alert to an incoming call. Thumbling around the floor I spy through squinted eye the caller ID ‘Ranstad’ Ummm do I want to work today? I ask my self. ‘NO WAY’ I assertive resolve canceling the call. Seconds later ping a voice message. Deciding I’d listen to the message again I thumble in search of my phone trying to move as little as possible. I somehow manage to intercept an incoming call. Bugger it’s the agency again!! Next thing I know falling out of bed heading for the bathroom having agreed to be at work in less than an hour. I must be mad. Mind you it’s nearly christmas and the extra cash will most definitely come in handy. The saving surplus is truly running low. I could blame the purchase of my new car but actually that in a way has help the cash flow. Crazy I know. But it has. Had I not needed a new car I wouldn’t have cashed in some investments. Lets face it that’s why we save. For that rainy day. And lets face it I’ve had a few of them.

And so I digress…

Anyway one day lead to the next which took me into my regular work week committment and before and before I know it it’s Thursday, I’m knackered and not a word written all week! I don’t suppose I can include the star charts I found myself making in an attempt to wooo my year 11’s last night. No that really doesn’t count. That was a necessity not an indulgence. Which is how I see my writing. Anyways all this being to tired to tap out a few paragraphs on my blog really does makes me not a happy girl.

Mind you despite my lack of writing time I can honestly say I spent the first two days of the week at a lovely college. A friendly department, lovely kids. OK so they were sixth formers but they were really lovely. Generally hard-working polite and helpful. Which is how I came to be there two days. The first day was so good I couldn’t resist. Mind you I did wonder if my additional work load had had a negative impact on my regular teaching slot. I don’t think it did. I just had a bad day yesterday, so set about questioning how and why. actually the only how and why is kids in high school want to rebel so they do. Nothing else. One of my classes aes an absolute nightmare. How can year 11’s behave so badly? So last night, after speaking with other staff members I set about the production of star charts. Yes star charts for my year 11’s what has the world come to? Mind you if it works who cares!

So here I am in the middle of the day part taking in a little indulgence. I was planning on cooking, cleaning ect… Boring. So still sitting in my pjs ( mind you I have actually been dressed I did the school run went to the bank and called at the grocery shop to pick up a few groceries). It’s so cold outside, so upon my return I opted for snuggly pjs. And in my defence I have baked a cake and cooked a pot of fresh home-made soup. No cleaning as yet tho… It’s on my list. 

It has to be said since my birthday a week ago things in my life seem to be looking up. An increase in work availability, my book should, fingers crossed, be available within the next few days. I feel more relaxed in certain friendships. (I did) Which would have been a good thing.

There is a lot to be said for a few drinks, but do beware of the awful feeling afterwards. When I say a few drinks, I’m not talking drunk or anything like that. That is not good on any level. No, just enough to give you the confidence to ask certain questions. Broach certain issues which been bugging you. Lets face it it takes abit of something to ask certain people in your life certain questions. It’s odd how two people who can talk about almost anything with each other but manage to skirt around issues relating to each other. Well maybe that’s not true maybe its one of  person (me) who doesn’t hear what the other is saying. Not that it was all my not hearing, sometimes I heard loud and clear. And that let me tell you was a real problem! Because after a few drinks you think you’ve overcome certain problems… If only!!

It is this I’m feeling a renewed sence of understanding about. Special friends are hard to come by and sometimes the wires of communication can get entwined twisted and very confused. Which can lead to both parties feeling lost and alone. avoiding each other when they would rather be together. Afraid that any move may infer the wrong inference. So here’s to a few drinks, not to many just enough to boast your confidence. Not that I’m advocating drunken debortory in any way. The key is maintaing control. Just enough to take the edge off. And here’s something I never thought I’d be recommending. And to be honest I don’t, recommend it that is,  I spent the best part of the week knackered,  unsure if this was the alcohol intake or the lack of sleep or maybe the unexpected exercise late into the night!!! I can’t be sure but I’m quite sure the combination all contributed to 1) a sleepy, tired me. 2) A renewed sence of peace once the sleepy tired me came round a little. What I do know is I like it. The renewed sence of peace that is, not the sleepy tired me. 

So here’s to new year filled with calm, peace and happiness. When I look back over the past year my 40th year it was hard, upsetting full of things I’d rather forget. So far my 41st year is looking better. I wonder if this is in preparation for my wonderful year of 2012, as predicted by a close friend earlier this year. So far much of what she predicted has been eerily true. So why wouldn’t the recommendation of success, happiness and dreams coming true be correct.

It’s been a while since I enjoyed writing in the daylight hours. Something I may endeavour to pursue further. There is something oddly comforting about pottering around the house baking, cooking in between updating my blog. Although still no cleaning been done. It’s on my list.

It’s now very late at night and back to my usual can’t sleep self trying to make sense of a world I thought I had finally made sense of. One day I will realise I’ll never make sense of it all. One day. I clearly got a head of myself…again.

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sleepy girl

After a wonderful night ou last night in honour of my birthday, it has to be said I’m a very sleepy girl.
Late night unuasually large quantaties of bacardi, dancing to not the worst but certainly not the best music which then lead to a long night with a special person can only possibily result in one thing the following day. Yes sleepy sleepy girl… What I probably needed the least was a shlep out to Sheffield with my sis, her tiddlers and my mother in tow. BUt I did say I would make the trip to collect one of the tiddlers from her father. What I didn’t plan was the combination of to much bacardi, dancing and not enouh sleep the night before.
However despite the desperate need to sleep the day went well. The drive was trouble free, the tiddlers were completely and utterly trouble free and the most amazing thing my mother didn’t irrate me, almost at all.
Maybe it was that I was experiencing a renewed understanding of something that over a period of time I thought I understood but maybe didn’t. Or maybe I had accepted the way things are. Where certain individuals are coming from. Yes, I had thought I knew, understood ect… But now maybe I’m accepting which is really awhole new balll game. It gives a situation a whole different complexion.
After what can only be described as a wonderful night with a very lovely, kind sensative person. (Of course there have been many times recently when these may not have been the words I would have used to describe this lovely friend of mine). However that said I’ve never lost sight of what a wonderful person he is.
Amazing what honest talking when you have nothing to lose can do.
No I don’t think the relationship we once had will be restored but may be wwe (I) will achieve the friendship I would like. And that can only be a good thing.
And maybe now I’m talking goboldi goock, my eyes are closing heaven only knows what my fingers are tapping on the keyboard. That could lead to all manner of disasters. And that would never do given I’m hoping to aviod disasters of any magnitude.
If my new year starts at my birthday, I can be hopeful for better things ahead… But knowing what I know leads me to tread carefully oh so very carefully.
However the good news is this sleepy girl of multiple disasters in all manner of events is feeling like the world might one day become a nicer place in the coming year.
So for now I bid you farewell

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And so…

And so what did I get up to today???

An early start with my scheduled visit to the school Friday morning assembly. Mind you that said the past few weeks has seen my absence from school assemblies so despite my tiredness I drag myself out of bed into the shower and out the door before 8am.

Then I took a drive over the hills into the country side to visit my friend and her two adorable boys.  Only as I get on the motorway I receive an S.O.S from my sister. So as is often the case I’m waylaid in arriving at my destination. But all is well both on the S.O.S front and my late arrival at my friends. A lovely chat, in between playing catch and babbling with toddlers while eating bacon butties and drinking hot tea all lead to just what I needed.  It’s weeks since I seen my friend. It’s so difficult when your lives take different paths. Our relationship is just on a different level now. Thats life, it’s what happens.

Then its off to have my nails redone. Redone because for some reason my £25 cheer myself up manicure didn’t quite live up to its £25 price tag only managing to last 24 hours before the varnish started to chip away… Almost a pound for each hour… Enough to actually make me complain. Not something I do lightly I have to say. So it was off for  a revarnish. Mind you I wasn’t sure it was going to be free of charge. Although I can tell you I had no intention of paying anything else. In fact if they so much as suggest further payment I will not be happy. Oh well again alls well ends well. No further payment was requested leaving me with gorgeous shiny new nails and a lovely happy smile! I was so happy I made an appointment for a beck, neck and shoulder massage next week. Mind you I probably could have done with it today I’m so tense it hurts… Not nice… Not nice at all. Oh well something to look forward too.

From nail salon to meet a very special little boy in my life. He usually meets up with his friends in the village on a Friday but says he’d rather see me today, which is so adorable. He truly means the world to me. Since starting at ‘big school’, (oh I do get told off when I say that), he’s become so grown up. When he was in primary school just a few months ago I picked him up every day. I was always there and he liked it. Its routine he likes, actually he loves routine he hates change. I remember when I was teaching fulltime one evening a week I  had to stay late for staff meetings, he went to his godmothers house after school until about 5pm. It was strange because he loved going, she had sweets and fizzy pop, non of which we had at home. Despite this he complained and complained about it not being the same, how he likes coming home from school, how he doesn’t like me being in school late. Oh how times change! Now he gets the school bus home, when not staying late, calls at friends after phoning to TELL ME what he’s up to. He’s so cute. Growing up fast but oh so cute. So when they want to spend time with you, you grab it when you can. I just love listening to his stories. He is so full of his new school. It’s the perfect school for him. He is completely and utterly enthralled with the whole experience. I knew it was perfect for him. He was so ready for the new experiences, the new challenges. The independence. Unlike me who so was not ready for it. Not ready to let go. I don’t mind telling you I really struggled with the transition, the letting go. It’s strange because ‘little’ growing up is a good thing, I mean it was always going to happen. And in some ways I was kind of looking forward to it but then when it came, I just wasn’t ready.  But then he went to bed and got up all grown up!!! No point trying to fight it so I’m working hard at going with it. So today we had hot chocolate and shortbread just like we used to on a Friday after school. While listening to anecdotal stories about his new teachers, who you’d think he’d known all his life. He’s so funny. And cute!! I love the bones of that boy. And not just because of how close in age he is to Katie. Katie was my little girl. She would be 10 years old now. Almost 11. Little man just makes it into this academic year, Katie would have been the year below. Its funny really how I often wonder if I was brought into little mans life to kind of help me get through Katie being taken away so soon. Katie didn’t have any life. I would have given her the best life. So when I came into little mans life when he was just 3 years old it just felt right. We just gelled together.

I can’t believe a year has past, I can’t believe my last baby would have been about to make it’s entrance into the world. My brothers step daughter just had her baby, a little girl. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair. She does, well didn’t want another baby. Well she probably does now that she’s here. But she didn’t, she didn’t want another baby. I don’t get why her baby gets the chance to live and my baby didn’t? I wanted my baby, the dad was even getting his head round the idea. It would have been fine, the relationship wouldn’t have been of the traditional kind  but it would have been fine. And the baby would have been loved, so loved and wanted. The parents aka myself and himself, would have done a good job. Of that I have no doubt. 

So now I pin my hopes on what might be my last chance. No guarentees I know but  my last chance could be just around the corner. The whole sperm donation thing I’m praying will get the go a head.

And the relationship, afraid now there’s no baby there’s no last chance with that… Well  at least from one of the interested parties!

And so life goes on sometimes you wonder how or why but it does you just get through it…

Lets hope the way you spend your birthday or feel on your birthday doesn’t pave the way forward for the year a head.   If it does I could be buggered!

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